my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
