This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
