Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
