anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
