how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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