You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
someone owes me an orgasm
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
