Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
