and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
