Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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