I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
