like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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