UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
