I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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