respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
