How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
