I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
