All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
