pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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