Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
