why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize