Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize