he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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