could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
