How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
