I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
