I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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