my mouth tastes like poor choices
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
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