The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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