Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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