your parents love me but you hate me
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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