the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
