come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
