she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
