I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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