WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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