I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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