you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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