you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Sober January is a disaster.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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