yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
