I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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