maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
