I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
