You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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