She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
