I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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