The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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