I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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