Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
