Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
