a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
two words: eviction party
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
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