I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
