maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
