hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
