my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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