I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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