i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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