it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
